This is the first script we have received from Mike Branom, titled “Frankenstein’s Mistress”. We thanks Mike for the sharing.
EXTERIOR: Scary castle; a thunderstorm rages.
(Zoom toward window in a tower)
INTERIOR: Stereotypical laboratory, with a pointless Jacob’s ladder, tubes and wires all over the place… and on an examining table, under a sheet, a hot dead chick with jumper cables running to her head. IGOR is adjusting the cables.
At a table, his back to the camera is a lab coat-wearing man with “scientist” hair…
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: At last! At long last! This will be the experiment that proves my doubters wrong! I am about to break through into the impossible in the field of… of… reanimating dead chicks so I can nail them! A-HA HA! AH HA HA HA!
My enemies called me mad when I crossbred a nymphomaniac with a lamb. They said I was insane when I invented bulletproof condom for protection against husbands who come home early. They accused me of clearly going too far when I developed chocolate-flavored roofies and took them to Weight Watchers! But I’ll show them! I’ll get the last…
(Igor pulls at jacket)
IGOR: But Master… What do you plan to do with her? (sotto voce) Aside from… (Normal voice) After all, she can’t replace me: I’m union!
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: Oh, Igor –I have my plans. Yes, I have my plans.
(Montage of the “monster” giving the doctor a lapdance while he watches a ballgame; while wearing a maid’s outfit, bending over to dust; blowing him while he drinks a beer… and then rests it atop her head…
(The doctor snaps back into reality)
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: Uh, what? … Oh yeah, the chick. Igor! Raise the lightning rod!(Igor pushes a button and does so; a lightning flash fills the room)
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: Whoa!(Another couple of flashes; “zappy” SFX go down the cables to the monster’s head; she lurches…)
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: She’s alive! Alive!
(Oingo Boingo’s “Weird Science” begins to play… The doctor hears this, picks up a nearby wrench and whips it off-screen… where it hits Igor’s boom box and shuts it off.)
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: Dammit, Igor! I’m not in the mood for your 80s crap!
IGOR: (Disappointed grumble)
(Meanwhile, the monster continues to stir… She sits upright, the sheet falls off. Damn, she’s hot… The chivalrous doctor gives up his lab coat… She arises, and takes a lurch forward… and pulls a cable from the wall. The lights go out.)
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: Greaaaaaat. We must’ve blown a fuse. Well, I’ll be right back… and then something elsewill be blown.MUAHAHA
(The doctor leaves. Igor, first in fear of the monster, begins to size her up. And now he’s full-out leering…)
IGOR: Miss… (clears throat…) Um, miss? (clears throat… hocks up loogie) MISS! With the good doctor gone, I believe it is my responsibility to give you a… test ride.
(Igor unzips his fly, whips it out and places his member in the monster’s hand. Pathetically thrusting, he begins to grunt…)
Meanwhile, the doc is at the fuse box. He flips the circuit breaker…)
(Cut to the monster. Her closed eyes snap open, she stands rigid, her empty hand balls into a fist…)
(The doctor, at the fuse box, hears a distant scream. He flips the switch off and the scream stops. On; scream. Off; silence. On; a scream eventually fading out. He shrugs and walks away from the box.)
(Doc enters the lab to find Igor on the floor, curled in a ball and holding his groin –butno monster.)
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: Oh no! She’s escaped! And if I know my monster, she’ll be heading back to the place where I got her body!
IGOR: The graveyard?
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: No, you knucklehead…
(Montage of college bars)
(In the parking lot of a bar, the monster, dressed only in the lab coat, stands puzzled at the lights and activity. A drunken frat rat oozes up to her.)
FRAT RAT: Hey, babe. Uh, I like your outfit… Wanna come back to my place?
(The monster doesn’t say anything.)
FRAT RAT: That’s what I like to hear!
(He leads her off camera… and into a college guy’s apartment, complete with beer cans and beer posters on the walls. She lurches in, and runs into a table. On the table are a quarter and a shot glass.)
RAT RAT: We were playing quarters. Wanna try?
(The monster is puzzled. The frat rat demonstrates, and the clinksof quarter on glass causes her to perk up. Smile, even. She sits down and tries… and cut to a shot of a quarter buried in the table’s surface.)
FRATRAT: Maybe you want to try an easier touch?
(He pantomimes a lighter touch. She follows, and the clink clinkscauses the monster to give a guttural grunt/laugh.)(Meanwhile, the frat rat, is standing behind the seated monster, is working the lab coat off her shoulders, the better to get at her milky white…)
FRAT RAT: You’re pretty good at this… Good aim… Why don’t we go into the bedroom and I’ll show you what hole Ican hit…
(The monster sees a shiny object before her eyes –it’s a coin hanging off the frat rat’s necklace. Her eyes light up… she gets up, whips around, grabs the frat rat and throws him throughthe table. There’s a clink has his necklace hits the shot glass.)
(Meanwhile, Doc is driving around, frantically checking a device in his hand.)
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: Good thing I installed that GPS tracking device. It took me months to find that sheep again!
(The doctor, holding a bouquet with a matching flower in the lapel of his jacket, enters the apartment. She’s standing over the frat rat’s broken body.)
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: Won’t ask… Hello, dear!
(He extends the flowers; she grunts in delight.)
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: (sotto voce) Got to try a little tenderness. (regular voice) Why don’t we go for a walk?
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: (sotto voce) Got to try a little tenderness. (regular voice) Why don’t we go for a walk?(The two, in the rays of the rising sun, are at the shore of a lake. She starts picking the flowers off the bouquet and tossing them into the water. She is pleased by the beauty… until she runs out of flowers.)
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: Uh oh.
(The monster grabs the doctor by the lapel, hoists him overhead and tosses him into the lake.)